04 Apr In His timing, alone.
I’m at the point in my life where it seems as if every one that I know are in relationships. Though that is definitely an exaggeration of my current state, it has become difficult to not compare myself to my friends who are in relationships.
I find myself having thoughts such as “Is there something wrong with me?” or “Why did he choose her instead of me?” or “Am I just not good enough?”. I am aware that these questions and thoughts are self-destructive. In no way will these thoughts lead me closer to Christ if I continued to think this way. But I couldn’t help it. I felt so lost.
Desperation and restlessness crept in my life. It got so evident to the point where a good friend of mine bought me a book on being single and Catholic. I found it sweet at first, but in the back of my mind, I felt as if she was mocking me at my current state because she was in a relationship while I wasn’t. Looking back, I doubt that was my friend’s intention at all, she wasn’t trying to attack me, but to help me.
Growing up, I have constantly struggled with my emotional virtue because I don’t think I had healthy relationships with men. So, instinctively, I found myself viewing men as objects to satisfy my wants and desires. Specifically, my longing to be in a relationship. This caused me to have trouble in having friendships with men because I didn’t know what “normal” looked like. I didn’t view these men as my brothers in Christ, when that was what I was meant to do; because that is who they are to me.
Currently, I am at a crossroads because I do not want to be in this state any longer. I do not want to be defined or validated by a man’s attention. Nor is it ever healthy to think that way. I don’t want to sit all day waiting for a guy to text me. I do not want to be stagnant in my growth because I’m waiting for Mr. Right or Prince Charming to fall down from the sky. I don’t want to be so helpless and restless all because I feel as if I am the “Last Single Girl Standing” in my friend groups. I no longer want to be defined, haunted, or plagued by these “boy-obsessed” and “self-destructive” characteristics. I want to be free.
I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to chase my dreams and aspirations, not boys. I want to pursue a relationship with the One who loves me the most, my Heavenly Father. I want to be so in love with Christ that I wouldn’t worry about anything else. I want to be fully satisfied in His love alone. I want to be fully reassured that if it is in His will for me, all will happen in His timing, and not my own.
I want to view my singleness as a gift.
I want to understand that this is my prime time to fully learn more about myself. To challenge myself in understanding the path that the Lord has paved for me, all before I was born. I want to live my life free of temptations, but full of Christ-centered, life-giving friendships and relationships. I want to be a God-fearing woman who lives out her life to truly glorify and magnify God above all else.
Honestly, I am still struggling to this day, but I am so blessed to have friends (both male and female) who constantly support me and help me be on the right path again. I am learning how to carry this cross of mine. One thing that helped is understanding to view myself and my worth in Christ. I am learning to understand that I am so deeply loved by my Creator, so uniquely and wonderfully made. So, why should I ever worry about such trivial things?
I am His princess, His little girl, and a daughter of God. His plans are much more greater than the ones that I could ever imagine. Now, it is up to me to truly trust in Him, and in His timing, alone. To no longer be held back and distracted by the world’s perspective on relationships, but to rest and be content in the truth that is my Lord.
My brothers and sisters, if you have ever felt the way that I have, you are definitely not alone. You are so so loved by our God. Your worth isn’t defined by the world’s standards, but the Lord’s unconditional love for you.
I want to share with you a prayer from St. Anthony of Padua that has helped me tremendously in my own journey, that I am praying will help you with your own.
Be Satisfied in Me
“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied, Full and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, That I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you The most thrilling plan existing… one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, Just keep looking off and away up to me, Or you’ll miss what I want to show you, And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment. To have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.”
May the Lord bless you in your journey. It won’t be easy, but trust me when I say that it will be worth every step of the way. Please pray for me, as I am also praying for you. God bless, my friend!